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Mike Nelson vs. Skeet Ulrich
(or: He hated, loathed, despised that movie)

by John Zipperer

As head writer for the late "Mystery Science Theater 3000" TV series, Michael J. Nelson had a hand in scripting years of insults for television shows, movies, writers, actors, and anyone else who fell afoul of his tastes. If you were a regular viewer of that show, then you're already familiar with the flavor and even some of the content of Nelson's new book, "Mike Nelson's Movie Megacheese," now out from Harper Collins. In this collection of short essays (most of them reprinted from Home Theater and Entertainment@Home magazines), Nelson unloads on some of the worst films ever to clog up theaters or video/DVD players; unfortunately, he also unloads on a lot of targets that are simply unworthy of his attention.

Nelson previously was a co-author of Bantam's "The Mystery Science Theater 3000 Amazing Colossal Episode Guide" (1996). "MST3K" viewers became familiar with the likes and dislikes of the creators over the course of about 10 seasons. A rare Midwestern creation, the show abounded with references to people, events, and places in Minnesota, Wisconsin, and northern Illinois. For those of us from that region, it was always a special treat to hear them mention Ashwaubenon, Wisc., or Chicago's State Street.

On a personal note, I always appreciated the presence on the show of producer Jim Mallon. As a student at my alma mater, the University of Wisconsin, Mallon was a player in the famous Pail and Shovel student political party. The party's claim to fame was building a partial Statue of Liberty on a nearby frozen lake. Such events were legend when I attended the school years later.

Too bad Skeet Ulrich never worked on "MST3K." Nelson's new book is devoted to bad movies and bad television shows and bad actors, and in the latter category apparently no one was ever worse than poor Skeet. The actor, who appeared in such films as "Ride with the Devil" and "Scream," takes it on the chin throughout this book. But he's not alone. Rarely in "Movie Megacheese" does one come across even a reasonably kind word for any actor or production. One wonders how Nelson would write at length about something he actually likes. He manages a few nice words for the Three Stooges and various J.R.R. Tolkien works, but his overarching effort here is to blast the bad, the tasteless and the cheap. Pamela Lee Anderson's "Barb Wire" gets this friendly comment: "I wasn't fond of Mrs. Lee's performance, though I should admit my prejudice that I believe her to be a horrible, filthy bride of Satan."

It's a fun book to read, and you'll probably find yourself grinning so regularly that your face begins to hurt. It's not a laugh-out-loud book, but it is consistently amusing, especially if you don't waste valuable reading time picking arguments with the author. (After all, does it really matter in the overall scheme of life whether you kinda liked "Batman and Robin" and he thought it was "the single worst thing that we as human beings have ever produced in recorded history"?)

One does get a bit tired of his "dumb guy" routine, in which he portrays himself (and men in general) as beer-sodden dopes. Usually dropped in as side comments here and there, it achieves full force in his chapter on Nora Ephron and Meg Ryan, in which he purports to give male readers romance tips. It's only mildly funny, because Dave Barry has done it before and better. More important, it suggests that he really didn't have anything to say about the two subjects of that essay, so he was stretching for material.

But there is a point to Nelson's general attitude and to this book (and, previously, to "MST3K"). A clue to his targeting of drek is given in his review of the movie "Sphere," in which he writes that it is "the  kind of movie that gives sci-fi in general its well-deserved reputation as the smelly, unemployed cousin of the entertainment family. Simple, half-baked moral messages are dressed up in wan intrigue, all of it shot on superdark sets so no one notices how bad it all is." Nelson's not just a complainer; he's got an ideal of intelligent films and television. If he could figure out a humorous way to direct us to the good stuff, he'd have another keeper of a book. Let's hope he writes it.

Zippy's Sci-Fi Loft continues ...

Funky

So yesterday a TV Barn reader asked the question: How bad must the B.O. have been on those "Survivor" castaways by the ninth episode? The answer, by way of another reader: Not as bad as that of the poor schlubs who videotaped them.

Our reader, who works for a CBS affiliate, converses weekly with two photographers who worked on "Survivor." The reader writes,

"One of the questions we asked them was how bad the people were smelling at this point. Their answer: The castaways spent a lot of their free time in the water, several hours a day, and didn't smell as bad as you'd think. (We don't see water video because you can't mic them out there, and the cameras can only shoot them from shore.) But the photographers say they smelled horrible, even with cold-water-only showers available for them. One of them said it took two months to get the 'island funk' off."

Our source also passes along this minor spoiler.

And the Hollywood Reporter reports that the Aug. 23 finale of "Survivor" will be two hours ... followed by a one-hour live chat with the 16 "Survivor" castaways. Hey, it was that or "The Last Don 2."

EARLIER:

Pick to click

I took another look at "Beggars and Choosers" after some readers insisted the show has improved. The Showtime comedy purports to take us behind the scenes at a fictional, low-rated network.

After watching two episodes from the second season, I agree — now "Beggars and Choosers" at least aspires to the level of "Arli$$," which is the worst sitcom on HBO. But that's not saying much.

On this week's episode (10 p.m. Tuesday on Showtime), the network's programming chief (Charlotte Ross) falls all over herself trying to recruit a bigshot producer (guest star Noah Wyle of "ER"). She finally pulls off a devious trick to get an audience with Mr. Bigshot; predictably, she gets her comeuppance not long after that. It's one of those obvious bits of poetic justice that every viewer can see coming for miles away. I hate it when TV shows do that.

Also tonight, "Dateline NBC" (10 p.m.) re-airs a terrific expose of the process some insurance companies have used to deny legitimate medical claims. The hourlong report aired recently on "Dateline" but is updated with new information.

On this date...

in 1992, NBC and Cablevision launch the pay-per-view "Olympic Triplecast." While the broadcast network airs the most popular events por nada, for a mere $75 and up you can see other events on cable. The scheme loses more than $100 million. -- Tom Heald

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