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The ABC Upfront
Tuesday, May 16, 2000
Radio City Music Hall
Opens with a quick clip of Regis saying, "Let's go for the million!" and then cuts to the scroll that Time Warner put up on the screen during the ABC blackout ("DISNEY HAS TAKEN ABC AWAY FROM YOU") ABC's new prexy Bob Callahan comes out, notes, "That was my first day on the job," then adds, "Lesson learned: Great programming will always thrive." ABC's head of sales Marv Goldsmith comes out. Points out that the number of advertisers using network TV is at an all-time high. Then goes into a spiel about the industry changing from TV sales to "integrated sales" encompassing "a vast array of media products." Will allow one-stop shopping for sports (ABC, ESPN), kids (Disney, ABC) and daytime/SoapNet. "Not just media but complete marketing solutions." Clip reel airs, entitled, "Our Time Has Come." Includes sound bite of Andy Sipowicz saying, "There's gotta be a million good reasons for that." Millions becomes the mantra, with grafx flashing, "Millions care ... Millions feel ... millions watch" in between video of Barbara Walters interviewing the Ramseys, Al Michaels calling the Super Bowl, Dharma & Greg fooling around, Diane Sawyer upstaging Al and Tipper, etc. Out come Stu Bloomberg and Lloyd Braun to introduce the lineups. Stu: "What a difference a year makes, eh? ... Who would've thought that one simple addition last summer would impact all our fortunes so dramatically?" Lloyd recites all the categories in which ABC will finish No. 1. Stu: "The last time ABC had such broad-based success, there was a Southern Democrat in the White House, peace was being brokered in the Middle East, ABC had Regis, me and the No. 1, 2, and 3 shows in television." Lloyd: "Of course at that time Stu was manager of variety and comedy series. The No. 1, 2 and 3 shows were 'Laverne and Shirley,' 'Three's Company' and 'Mork and Mindy,' Regis was in an ABC movie called 'SST Death Flight' (a still photo is shown of him playing a news reporter), and I was a junior in college. That was a whopping 22 years ago." Stu: "I didn't know you went back to college." As Stu and Lloyd run through the statistics, big blocky letters fill the screens behind them ("UP 23%"). Looking at the type, set against the familiar yellow background, I feel like I've walked into a Best Buy store. Stu: "I usually hate citing statistics. Not this year." Lloyd: "ABC had building blocks for success even before 'Millionaire.'" Had already moved from No. 4 to No. 2 on both Thursdays and Saturdays and was either No. 1 or No. 2 on every night. "Millionaire" improved its time periods an average of 135%, improved their lead-ins 18% and lead-outs 33%. Stu: "For the first time in many years we're operating from a position of strength. We can schedule aggressively, offensively, and selectively. We don't have a lot of problem time periods." They start their review of the new schedule on THURSDAY, where they're up 89% since last season. ABC's Thursday night beats every night on CBS, Fox, and all but Thursday on NBC. "Whose Line" has given ABC best performance in 10 years. And out comes Drew, Wayne, Ryan, Colin, and Diana the piano player to do the upfront version of "Whose Line." Drew: "This is hype with a capital 'ype.'" He then mocks the photo used a few minutes earlier of Bloomberg and Braun: "I also like how the executives who brought us 'Millionaire' start out the show with graphics that show them looking through scripts." Big laugh. They grab an audience member at random to be the subject of a Wayne Brady song. Drew: "What's your name? Sylvia? What do you do for a living, Sylvia? Media buyer, huh? No s---. ... I can't believe we found a media buyer in this crowd." Wayne sings a very funny Bruce Springsteen song based on Sylvia the media buyer. Big hand from crowd. Then they do the improv game "Freeze Frame," which doesn't go over too well but is mildly amusing. Then the 3-headed Broadway game, which Drew precedes by saying, "By the way, any TV critics out there: I plan to do a Disney musical every year till you all commit suicide. That will be my sweet revenge." 3-headed Broadway ain't that great, either, but has its moments and doesn't die. "Millionaire." Some interesting stats: "Its audience is virtually unique on every night it airs. Only 7% of young adults watch all three nights of the show. Reaches 88.6 million total viewers a week. Despite airing on Thursday, it's the No. 3 with total viewers and No. 5 with younger ones. Then the lights go dim, the familiar theme music swells, the spotlights swivel and Regis appears onstage courtesy of the famed Radio City stage elevator. "Go ahead, take a good look at me. Here I am — the guy who saved the ABC television network! Can you beleive it? I would've done it a lot sooner, but nobody asked. ... Actually, the network wanted Bill Cullen to do it. Unfortunately, Bill Cullen died nine years ago. So Stu Bloomberg said to Lloyd Braun, 'Is that Regis Philbin still alive?' And so I got the job." Clip reel of "Millionaire's" greatest hits: Starts with all the "Millionaire" parodies, the "Spin City," all three millionaires, the fiddler who won 250 grand, the Florida deejay who won 250 grand, the fat guy who says, "I'm a fat guy, Regis," a guy who went out on the $100 question, Rosie as phone-a-friend, "greatest face we've had on this show." ABC News prexy David Westin introduces the newsmagazines: "Primetime Thursday" with Diane Sawyer and Charlie Gibson, "Downtown" (sans "20/20") on Mondays, and "20/20," with its "hard-hitting investigative stories, medical coverage and of course, newsmaker interviews as only Barbara Walters can do them." Barbara, Diane and Charlie come out. Charlie: "This evening fulfills a lifetime fantasy for me. I have always wanted to appear on this stage with the Rockettes." Babs returns the compliment. After some banter, the clip reel. Someone says, "the best stories are where the correspondents put themselves into the stories." An announcer barks: "Aggressive. Fearless." Cut to Sam Donaldson on the interstate with a pulled-over motorist: "Can you tell me why you were speeding?" Yes, that's raw, steel-nerved investigative journalism, folks. FRIDAY. Lloyd: "After a long, successful run it's time to say goodbye to TGIF." Blames multi-set homes, cable and fragmentation. ABC will still do family shows, just not TGIF sitcoms. "Two Guys." They show a clip reel. It gets tepid applause. "People Who Fear People" shows "all of our fears magnified to comic proportions." There's a total Chris Farley ripoff character here: he's fat and he TALKS LOUUUUD. Jon Cryer's in here, too. It's a buncha guys and gals who met at the 12-step paranoids group. There's dating and so forth involved, though hard to figure out how the relationships get woven together. Really lame cyber joke. I do not smell Emmy. "Norm" clip reel. "Madigan Men." Yes, ABC has replaced a black family show with an Irish family show. Gabriel Byrne is divorced, has to juggle a son and his recently-arrived dad. Sample line: "It's Celtic for guilt, guilt, guilt." On seeing dad take his son to the pub: "Ah yes, the Irish Head Start program." There is, however, a black woman seen on screen for two seconds: she's the dog-walker. Grandpa walks about spouting senseless aphorisms like David Ogden Stiers two years ago in "Two Guys." Yes, now Fridays will be easier to promote because ABC "will have the same profile as our Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday nights." Ladies and gentlemen, the stars of Friday night. SATURDAY. Movies have improved ratings this night 25% this season. Now #1 from 10-11 p.m. Look for "Good Will Hunting," "Meet Joe Black," "Alien Resurrection," "Horse Whisperer," "Air Force One," "Soul Food," "Ransom" (again?!) "Mission Impossible" (again?!?!?) and "Amistad" next season. SUNDAY. Disney will present "The Shirley Temple Story," a live-action "Snow White," a remake of "The Miracle Worker" starring that curly-haired Pepsi pitchgirl, "Confessioins of an Ugly Stepsister" (Cinderella side story), "Santa Who?" (big guy gets amnesia), live-action "Hunchback" and a Barbra Streisand-produced remake of "Mame." Followed by "Millionaire" (photo shows head of Regis superimposed on a boxer's body as "Rocky" theme plays). Fox had a 91% edge on ABC at 9 p.m.; now it's ABC with the 40% edge. "Practice" always "bugged" Stu because people weren't watching it. Now its ratings are up 31%, biggest of any show on ABC. They show a great "Practice" clip reel: the James Whitmore arc, the George Vogelman apotheosis, McDermott's courtroom tantrum, Eugene telling a client why he won't let him testify ("You wanna mess with me?"), the California arc ("Let's go, we're walking out"). ladies and gentlemen, the cast of "The Practice"! MONDAY. Stu introduces a slimmer, trimmer Don Ohlmeyer. Shamelessly sucks up to Stu on stage, then asks if he could please schedule another "Millionaire" from his "fellow Notre Dame alumnus" Regis Philbin. "The challenge for 'mnf' is no different than the challenge for anybody in broadcast television, and that is to adjust to a viewer who becomes increaingly more comfortable navigating a 200-channel universe." To differentiate 'MNF' from Olympics, he suggests the slogan, "It's really live, and the American team always wins." Emphasizes "MNF" is "committed to being the premiere presentation" of the NFL. To that end, don't expect him to make a final decision on Al Michaels' new colleagues in the broadcast booth until June. "It's not even really worth asking ... so we'll just move onto other topics." Al Michaels steps out, makes a joke about Ohlmeyer coming up with the "announcerless game," so hopes he (Al) still has a job in June. Makes a joke about Drew Carey's improv show sounding "like a bad point spread." Shows a Super Bowl 2000 clip reel (why is beyond me; CBS has the Super Bowl this year). Tepid applause. Then — as they did last year — Al interviews a football guy via satellite. Only this time it's Steve McNair (Kurt Warner, the first choice, went in for emergency appendectomy surgery earlier in the day). Critic next to me says before it starts, "Steve McNair is a really bad interview." After it's over, who should rise up the Radio City stage elevator but Hank Williams Jr., a seven-piece band and what look to be the Dance gals from Hooters. "I'm ole Hank and I'm back." Yes, and you're still not singing the song, Hank. Very impressive, however, are the stage lights pulsing from behind eight layers of the shell that line both sides of the auditorium. Lloyd comes out and says under his breath, "That's good football." Gets a laugh. There will be movies after NFL ends. A clip reel of still more movies: Spielberg's "Anne Frank:The Whole Story," two more from Oprah ("Amy & Isabella" and Fannie Flagg's "Welcome to the World Baby Girl"). Camryn Manheim in "The Last Laugh" and the "real" sotyr of "The Osmonds." Glenn Close and Harry Connick do "South Pacific" and Judy Davis is Judy Garland. A doctored clip from "Wizard of Oz" shows young Judy declaring, "There's no place like ABC. There's no place like ABC ..." TUESDAY. For "Millionaire," three lovely ladies bring out cardboard full-size images of Regis. Then a cute "Dharma & Greg" clip reel. They put up the quote from Tom Shales calling it "enchanting." "GEENA." Geena Davis as a "strong, sexy single woman swept off her feet" by Peter Horton. "We haven't seen chemistry like this since, well, Jenna (elfman) and Thomas (Gibson)." A kid from "Freaks & Geeks" is in this. Peter is a widower with two kids. Geena whirlwinds with him, gets engaged, moves in. Friend Mimi Rogers disowns Geena. There's a scene of her coming in for breakfast in just a shirt, bare legged. Teenage son goes ga-ga for her. Kinda looks like Peter and Geena have some chemistry. Looks promising. Now to the "Tuesday at 10 Time-Sharing Plan." Which worked so well we're doing it again this year: "Once & Again" till January, moving to Mondays; then 22 weeks of "NYPD Blue" w/o a repeat. Clip reels of both. Ladies and gentlemen, the stars of Tuesday night. Horton kisses Bloomberg's ring on the way out. WEDNESDAYS. Stu: "We're adding a fourth hour of 'Millionaire.' Like you wouldn't." Then suddenly, in comes Regis on the big projection screen, live from Bryant Park. He pitches the reception which will take place after the upfront. "And Stu! Please put on a tie. It's embarrassing." "Drew Carey" clip reel. "Spin City" clip reel is framed around a tribute to Michael J. Fox. Actors on the show give testimonials while "I'll Remember You" plays: "It's like one of your pals is moving out of the neighborhood ... I love you, Mike (Richard Kind) ... I knew him for four years — what kind of gift is that?" Final graphic: "Thank you Michael." By the way, he'll still direct some episodes and stay on as EP of "Spin City." "Gideon's Crossing." Stu explains, "We've wanted a single-lead medical drama for the last five years." The creator of "Homicide" wrote a "brilliant script" and lured Andre Braugher back to television as "the doctor you hope to have at your side." Preview is very promising if somewhat overwritten: "Every word, every gesture, every intonation is carefully sculpted for the benefit of the patient." To a brain cancer patient: "A doctor never inspires false hopes. If you die, and I very well might, it's on my reputation. When you suffer, and believe me you will suffer, it's on my conscience." Ladies and gentlemen, the stars of Wednesday night. At this point, some closing remarks on midseason shows (Damon Wayans, Joan Cusack, Denis Leary vehicles). I depart to beat the crowds.
ABC upfront haiku
By Tom Heald
GEENA / LOST & FOUND / THE GEENA DAVIS SHOW
Small screena Geena
Career gal weds widow pal
Brady Bunch redux
GIDEON'S CROSSING
Modern Marc Welby
Tower of Braugher Hour
Ear Nose Mind and Soul
MADIGAN MEN
Gabriel's burning
up the New York dating scene
with dad and dude/son
PEOPLE WHO FEAR PEOPLE
Paranoid (pair nerds)
enter wackos support group
I spy "Wonderlaughs"?