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The CBS Upfront
Wednesday, May 17, 2000
Carnegie Hall
Note to my readers at the networks: Do me a favor and tell your Web people to get their act together. During upfront week, only one of the big four networks didn't keep me waiting until the last minute with fall schedule information, despite my pleading (my newspaper closes its features section shortly after noon Central time). That one network was CBS, which held a press conference at 9 a.m. and handed out the fall skeds in person. We scribes went back and filed our stories with hours to spare, then attended the Carnegie Hall event in the afternoon. Ironically, CBS also happens to be the one network that doesn't have a dedicated Web site for the media. ABC and NBC posted their schedules to their Web sites far too late for them to be useful, and Fox uploaded photos but I'll be darned if I could find any text posted to Foxflash.com. Having said that, if my newspaper is any example, then CBS is losing a ton of promotional opportunities by failing to make photos available over the Internet. So all of you have got work to do. That is all.
Video clip reel showing stars of CBS shows present and future plays to symphonic swell. Supers: "It's moving ... It's funny ... It's all here." Sound bites include Dave's "Wait till you hear what happened to me" and "These are the doctors that [chokes up] saved my life." Also a Deb-Ray exchange and AFC football. Then stars take turn saying, "It's all here." CBS: IT'S ALL HERE. Out comes David Copperfield ("marking his 20th anniversary on CBS"). He's doing his first special in five years. He has people lock their fingers together, arms outstretched, then humors them into the we're-not-worthy wave. Now it's time for the illusion. With a camera positioned behind him (so that audience members in the front row can see the trick from both angles), Copperfield pulls a box out of a box, has a lovely lady climb into the smaller one, while the William Tell Overture plays. Copperfield and asst. lift the smaller box back into the bigger one, then presto chango, out pops CBS head of sales Joe Abruzzese. Crowd goes nuts. Abuzzese: "Mel wanted to shoot me out of a cannon so this is a little bit better. ... Just so you know it, I offered Copperfield a million dollars if he could make 'Millionaire' disappear. Or even make Regis Philbin disappear. But then I realized: for $100,000 and one phone call to New Jersey, I could make Regis disappear." Laughter, applause. More and more clients are sponsoring specific programs on CBS. F'rinstance, a few weeks ago, Ford and State Farm sponsored FAIL SAFE viewers which attracted 3x normal male viewership and huge numbers among wealthy viewers ("The more you make, the more likely you were to watch FAIL SAFE"). Sets up this year's parody reel, which is based on the life of Moses, tying into CBS' presentation of Jesus. As announcer intones, "But enough about Moses. This is the story of another man," we see Leslie Moonves' head imposed on the body of a baby floating in a basket down the Nile. "... the greatest story almost never told." Shows him as a slave, carting something heavy while being hit with a lash. "He moved quickly up the corporate ladder" (grabs whip, begins lashing slave in front of him). "He spent many years in the desert looking for wisdom, gardens, and a better handicap" (hits golf ball in middle of desert). His caddy (Ray Romano): "You're in the desert, and you still managed to hit it in the water" (ball rests in shallow puddle). Moonves: "Bad lie." Romano: "Nah, that's not a bad lie. '"Felicity's" a hit' — that's a bad lie." Cut to garden of Eden scene with Roma Downey. Announcer: "Temptation was everywhere." Roma: "Have a taste of forbidden fruit." Moonves eats, looks back at Roma. She's turned into Kevin James. While Abruzzese (as Aaron) watches over the people down below, Moonves (who's in a long robe and flowing gray beard) goes to to mountaintop, comes back with two tablets: "Our first fall schedule! 'Everybody Loves Ramses'! 'Touched by a Leper'! ... and '60 Minutes'!" Looks up to the heavens: It's Mel! "Leslie, Leslie ... it's me. I have one more task." Les: "What is it?" Mel: "You must face the prince of darkness himself." Cut to a TV set with Regis on it. Dubbed voice (I guess): "Just give me your immortal soul!" Les: "You mean you don't need any development?" Regis: "No! Just ask Stu Bloomberg at ABC." Cut to a guy who sort of looks like Bloomberg, tied up in chains in a dungeon. Les blows up the TV with Regis on it. People cheer. High production values but the jokes ... eh. Compared with last year's pitch perfect "Star Wars" parody. Les: "Doing that little movie did make me feel like Charlton Heston. All I need is a rifle and a hairpiece. Special thanks to David Copperfield. Seeing that beautiful girl turned into Joe Abruzzese — that's the worst trick I've ever seen ... By the way, I had to talk Mel into playing God. He saw it as a demotion." From there, Les goes into a spiel on the new CBS/Viacom, "the biggest, greatest and most dynamic media company in the whole world. In fact, I finally get to use my favorite line from 'The Godfather': Mel, we're bigger than U.S. Steel!" Puts up a slide — much like NBC did on Monday and Fox would do on Thursday — with the dozens of logos of brands owned by the 13-day-old megaco. "Staggering isn't it? And here's the best part: Your job is about to get easier, because from now on you won't have to sit through all those other upfront meetings. Why go anywhere else when it's all here?" Kids — Nick. Teens — MTV. Young men — UPN, CBS Sports and Late Night. And it reaches a "wide range of adults." By gum, at CBS, it's all there. Clip reel shows all the product under the CBS/Via banner. I note James van der Beek's image (from "Varsity Blues"?). Also Blue's Clues, TRL, VH1, South Park, NCAAs, Martha, ET, Blockbuster, S&S, etc. Synergies are already starting: CBS will rebrand Sat. mornings with Nick Jr. in the fall. Paramount Television and CBS syn's to come. Les: "BUT, here are some synergies you won't be seeing: ... Kennedy Center Honors Beavis and Butt-Head. Spring Break 25-54. And my personal favorite, Win Mel Karmazin's Money." Now to CBS. Promotes the viewer loyalty of CBS shows. Nielsen Quad study of v. loyalty, CBS delivers top 5 and top 8 of 11 programs with loyal viewers. And 97% of CBS viewers "watch all your commercials during prime time." Suddenly, Dave Letterman walks in. Big hand. Big hand. Dave: "I wanna tell you something, ladies and gentlemen. I don't care about Viacom. I don't care about CBS. I don't care about statistics. There's just one thing you need to know: This gentlemen, right here, Les Moonves. Take a good look at this guy here. This man is one good lookin' son-of-a-bitch! Hah? Hah?" Applause. "C'mon!!!! Ohhh! Look at that tan, ladies and gentlemen!" More applause. "Bad news — Jesus wants a million bucks an episode." Laughter, applause. Dave laughs himself silly. Hoots. "You know, a couple of months ago I had a massive heart attack and, ah, Les came by the hospital. You remember that?" Les: "I do." Dave: "And, ah, he comes into the hospital room there, and you remember what you said?" Les: "No." Dave: "Les is trembling with emotion, and he comes right up to the bed and he looks down at me and — you remember what you said? — he said, 'Dave, is there anything I can do for you?' And you remember what I said, Les? You remember? You remember what I said? 'GET OFF MY AIRHOSE!!'" A few laughs. Dave laughs himself silly. "Ahhh, I love the old jokes, don't you? But thank god I lived long enough to see you as Moses." Laughs. "And speaking of Moses, speaking of the commandments, Thou shalt not schedule 8 nights of 'Falcone'!" Laughter, applause. "Enjoy the buffalo wings! Goodnight, everybody!!" And in three long strides he's gone. Les: "I think maybe he has a little too much energy. By the way, I hear that ever since Dave came back Leno is on a six bacon cheeseburger-a-day diet." More groans than laughs. Moonves touts the power of broadcast TV. All four networks are profitable. More people watching TV than at any time before. More TV sets than people in many homes. "Sad, isn't it?" When that line gets a delayed rumble of laughs, Moonves ad libs, "This is the life we've chosen for ourselves," and gets a bigger laugh and applause. Last season demonstrated the power of TV to reinvent itself. Congratulates ABC on its season win and says give 'em credit: "They finally found a way to get rid of Kathie Lee." Applause. (CBS recently did the same.) Of course, this was foretold on an episode of "Diagnosis Murder" a while back. Cuts to clip of the "DM" where Regis shoots Kathie. Les: "Unfortunately, we shot the wrong person." CBS had a great season, too: up on Monday, Tuesday, Weds., and won Sat. and Sun. Top new drama in "Judging Amy." And "Raymond" won last week in A18-49 besides its usual HH win. Even beat "Ally" (in sweep). Top two newsmags in "60" and "62." BTW, "60" will finish in the Nielsen Top 10 for 23rd consec season. CBS is the "leader in total sports impressions" for first time in six years. Daytime has won 581 straight weeks and still going ("Y&R's" No. 1 streak at 593 weeks). Top two movie franchises and top three miniseries. "Jesus" will be No. 1 mini of the season by far in HH's and all demos. (JonBenet and Sally Hemings minis are No. 2 and 3.) Points out that other nets are finally coming around to emphasizing HH's. Which has been CBS's view all along. By the way, CBS will beat NBC for No. 2 in HH's this season. Les mocks the fact that NBC made fun of last year's flops in this year's upfront. "Now I'm sure that gives all of you a lot of confidence when they tell you how good this year's crop is." (Thank you Triumph.) "JAG" and the CBS Sunday night movie "already compete effectively" against "Millionaire." Flashes Tuesday's Variety headline, 'JESUS' BEATS REGIS. (I should note that Moonves told reporters earlier in the day that the "Millionaire" show "is the bane of my existence" and hoped that four nights a week of Regis would "blow it out" sooner rather than later.) Les plugs "Survivor," which starts May 31. Here's a clip. By the way, I should note that my newspaper, in a story written by me with additional reporting from two colleagues, was the first to "out" a "Survivor" contestant. He's from our area. But what really made the story was the fact that, as we were going to press, the contestant showed up back at his house — while the contest was still going on 10,000 miles away! Obviously he was one of the first voted off the island. So naturally, I'm scanning this clip reel looking for him. Turns out, he's the character everyone told us he is. There's a split-second clip of B.B. getting the evil eye from one of the female contestants. "You all are sitting on your butts!" he chides them at one point. (A friend of B.B.'s predicted that he would either be one of the first voted off the island, or he'd make it to the very end.) Touts "Big Brother," starting 7/6/00. CBS will also have the 2001 Super Bowl, plus many many other sports franchises (though not Daytona!). And speaking of the NFL ... out come Greg Gumbel and Phil Simms. They banter a while, then Vinny Testaverde comes out, tells the boys and the audience he's feeling fine (though he takes a couple of steps back because "the last time I was around you two I got hurt"). Phil asks Vinny how the team will respond because "Keyshawn Johnson isn't on the team no more" and Parcells isn't the coach. Vinny says they'll do fine. They depart. Now to big event programming, which networks do better than anybody, and CBS best of all. Beauty pageants, awards, Kennedy Center Honors, the gamut. Clip reel. Then, out comes Faith Hill with a gospel choir. They perform "There Will Come a Day" from her Breathe album. Carnegie got a crummy acoustical facelift? Geez, you coulda fooled me. The sound is great, even from the cheap seats. "You know, it's nice that an unfortunate-looking girl like that can sing." Laughs. Faith's first TV special on CBS is in the fall. Let's give 'er another hand. Les intros the fall sked. Seven new shows, stability where it's needed but otherwise, more aggressive than in previous years. More big names than before. And "all the pieces" fit together. Out comes Nancy Tellem, CBS entertainment prez. MONDAY. "King of Queens" wins time period, had double-digit demo increases this season including in younger men (Nancy: "And there's nothing wrong with younger men." Big laughs.) That's followed by a show that "fits perfectly" with it, "Yes, Dear." Indeed, it's the kind of show "Kevin James and Ray Romano can definitely relate to" (curious use of the subjunctive — it's not that they actually do relate to it but they can.) The preview clip shows Anthony Clark and his slobbo brother-in-law (Mike O'Malley) raising baby while wife goes off to work. O'Malley wants to go to the casino; Clark and the kid go along. The kid chooses the casino rug to make his first steps. Dad gets the image on videotape, but of course it can't be used. So O'Malley has a friend deft in Adobe Premiere superimpose a park in the background. So we see the kid walk and walk and walk through the park ... and out onto the pond, walking on water (big laughs). Joke goes on a little too long, but hey. Out come Clark and O'Malley. Clark says a few words and exeunt. Ray Romano, star of CBS's top-rated Monday show and top-rated comedy overall, comes out and does some standup. Says this is the fifth year in a row performing at the upfront, which just goes to show "I still don't have the balls to say 'no' to (Les)." Then turns to Moonves, standing in the shadows behind his podium: "Are you going to stand there the whole time?" Big laughs. Les steps back. "That's like a Regis thing with that person over your shoulder, the creepy light." Mentions his celebrity "Millionaire" stint and how the image of his mom looking over his shoulder in the creepy light is the same one Ray recalls from adolescence. Said "Survivor" reminds him of every 4th of July BBQ at his house. "How about 'Jesus' beating 'Millionaire'? See? It can be done. Especially on Sunday nights — that's Jesus' home court!" He says CBS ignored his brilliant idea — two ideas, actually — for new programs: "Who Wants to Spank a Supermodel" and then, "Behind the Scenes at Who Wants to Spank a Supermodel." Delves into some older, or at least less timely, material — married-couple and guy jokes. Olestra jokes still crack 'em up ("These have got to be the best chips in the universe if I have to change clothes to eat it"). Speaking of leakage, "Becker" has the highest retention of its lead-in of any show that airs on the :30 mark, any net. Praises "Family Law" for improving the performance of 98-99's "L.A. Doctors" by less than 20%. (I guess the "American Family" pilot left something to be desired.) TUESDAY. "JAG" is still growing among 18-34's. Up in HH's and is outrating "Providence" and "West Wing." At 10 p.m., "Once & Again" was whipped by "Amy." So much for you naysayers who "would've bet a lot of money — and in fact did — that 'Once & Again' would be the hot player on Tuesdays ... And guess who's back on Tuesday nights? ... We'll beat them once — and again." Chuckles from crowd. Les notes that Amy even topped "NYPD Blue" (in HHs). Here come Amy and Tyne. "I like to play this room," says Tyne, who praises the "exhilarating" year she had thanks to her "brilliant and smart" co-star. Amy says much less and then they depart. Then Les admits last year Tyne told him offstage, "I've never failed at CBS," and Les thought to himself, "Tuesday nights at 10 — you're in big trouble, this could be your first. I'm happy I was wrong." WEDNESDAY. Bette Midler. "This is the 'get' of the year." Clip reel shows mild promise. In its favor: Bette lampoons herself shamelessly. Goes all out. Working against it: The balding schmo seems an unlikely husband for her. And unsure how good the writing is when it's not about Bette. Biggest laugh comes when teen daughter's boyfriend tells Bette he has all her records. Bette says sotto voce to daughter: "He's gay." Guest appearance by Danny DeVito. Bette makes fun of the "secrets of her plastic surgeon" (big strips of tape pull her eyes hideously wide open.) Announcer says that "if you're looking for wholesome comedy ... this ain't it!" Other lines get big laughs. Crowd roars exuberantly for Bette as she walks out. On second hearing, she got a bigger hand than Letterman. "I don't watch a lot of television, as many of you know." But the pilot was one of the most exciting things she's ever done. "I'll be on TV!" gets big ovation as she leaves. Tellem: "We think 'Bette' is going to be the most talked-about new comedy" of the fall. At 8:30, Jim Gaffigan and another woman who avoids watching TV, Christine Baranski. "Welcome to New York" (working title) clip features CB as hi-powered TV news director in NYC and Gaffigan as the new weather guy, fresh in from the Hoosier State. She's on the phone on her headset and simultaneously conversing with him. In another scene, woman at the coffee store thinks he's German (in part because he wears a windbreaker). His boss tells him everyone in NYC wears black, "at least until something darker comes along." Then they go out for lunch, get hammered, start smooching in public. Finally, the Letterman comparison as Gaffigan gives a forecast: "And while the combination of heat and pollution is deadly to those of us on the ground it should give us another beautiful sunset tonight." Next day she gets him to agree nothing ever happened (She: "It has come to my attention concerning your behavior at a midtown restaurant yesterday" ... He: "But you were there." She: "Work with me, OK?" Laughs and applause. Could go either way. Baranski comes out, professes loyalty to Les and CBS, praises her "smart, classy show" and credits Dave & Co. for backing it. Gaffigan says he's relieved to be playing a character named Jim Gaffigan. Rocky Carroll — got anything to say? Ahhh, no. Sidebar on LATE NIGHT. Clip reel of Letterman highlights, followed by Les bragging on Dave's audience recovery. THURSDAY. The key on this night is counterprogramming. Dan Rather, "the hardest working guy on TV, bar none," comes out to plug the new time slot for "48 Hours" and within half a minute has invoked the names of Murrow and Cronkite. Then come the folksy aphorisms — Harry Shearer, are you listening?: "I couldn't sell watermelons at a roadside stand if you gave me state troopers to flag down traffic" ... "The race between Bush and Gore is as tight as Willie Nelson's headband." "City of Angels" at the end of the season was "on a creative roll." Tellem invokes Steven Bochco's other great shows and notes that they all ripened in their second seasons on the air. And "COA" is great "counterprogramming" to the other guys' skeds. Out comes Blair Underwood, who hints to "certain cast changes" that are happening for next season (Vivica is gone) and hopes we'll tune in. "Diagnosis Murder" gets 19 seconds. FRIDAY. "It would be hard to imagine a more perfect concept for a continuing drama" than "The Fugitive." And with Tim Daly, Tyne's brother, taking the role of Kimble, and Mykelti Williamson as Gerard, look for great things. Preview clip is boffo. (It better be, since the pilot cost $6 mil!) Shot in Chicago and Miami. Colossal traffic pileup frees Kimble, but he gets the scarcest head start on Gerard. He winds up in Miami — finds a romantic interest and a hard-hat job — but is outed by that rat bastard John Walsh and his show on another network. Has to leeeeeeeap from a tall unfinished building to avoid capture. Daly and Williamson come out. Daly: "Pretty good idea for a show, isn't it? ... It's definitely not 'musty TV.' ... I just make you all a promise: I'll challenge CBS and Warner Bros ... and our soon to be hired writers ... to make this the most provocative, exciting ... and most-watched show on television." "C.S.I." from Jerry Bruckheimer ("Con Air," "Top Air," etc.) and Disney. Takes place in Vegas. Definitely pro-gizmo. The forensic experts descend on the scene and find the clues that piece together crimes. Sound like "Quincy, M.E."? How about if I told you there's a scene where the old grizzled pro rips open the sheet over the corpse ... and the young rookie gets sick to her stomach? But this is much more high-tech; one shot magnifies a suspect's toes 100x or so to show the microscopic evidence. In another, some sort of night-vision light picks up toenail clippings on the floor. Announcer: "Criminals can run ... they can hide ... but they can't escape — C.S.I.!" Co-stars Billy Petersen and Marg Helgenberger come out. Les recaps Friday by noting that a major goal for CBS was strengthening the night. SATURDAY. Nancy: "With everybody else running away from series television," door's wide open for CBS to build strong hours and widen female appeal. "That's Life" will help us "once again take leadership at the top of the night." Springsteen's "Hungry Heart" opens the preview clip. She's a Jersey girl, y'know. She's 30-ish, is close to her folks (papa Paul Sorvino is a toll-taker), and eats meals at halftime with her clan. But now she wants to go to college, a decision met w/universal horror. Mom wants her to get married and "have babies, like God intended." But after eight years, she dumps her boyfriend and heads off to Montclair State. She's one tough gal: on campus, she tells an annoying student, "Little girl, if you (honk that horn) one more time, I'm going to bitch-slap you back to the Bronx." Goes to class, is humiliated by snobby British-accented prof, who demands she go down to the registrar and check to see "that you have all the necessary prerequisites." She does; on returning finds that prof has held a vote on whether she'd come back. In a later exchange she one-ups him, then adds, "It's pretty obvious I'm your favorite (student). You're not even paying attention to the others." Terrible title for a show. Heather Paige Kent and Paul Sorvino come out. Kent says she is "drunk with joy" to be making this show. Sorvino, slurring: "Ladies an' gentlemen, I'm drrrunk!" But seriously, "this will break your heart and it will illuminate you ... and it will make you laugh." Then he croons the closing bars of "Daddy's Little Girl" charmingly and gets a big hand. "Walker" is in a new time period. "The District," based on a real story. Craig T. Nelson is the lead, but the rest of the ensemble is mostly black (including Lynne Thigpen and Giancarlo Esposito, tho' his role as deputy mayor appears to be minor). Police commish who worked wonders in Newark comes to D.C. to clean up, finds an ineffective bureaucracy that covers up its ineffectiveness. Announcer: "His weapon (is) information." Finds Thigpen toiling away in a back room, gets her to run some numbers on crime. She's only too willing, and before long is entrusted as a lieutenant. Later she'll be put in charge of a whole war room of computers. In a dramatic display, Nelson shows — to the consternation of the obstructionist chief of patrol and his allies — that there's a lot of unsolved crime in the nation's capital. Nelson is steel-jawed and resolute, but seems to inspire his charges. I'm impressed by the preview. If the show is half as good, I'm there. SUNDAY. Featuring information ("60"), inspiration ("Touched"), and movies with imagination. And next season ... "Family Showcase Movies." Preview reel includes Anne Heche as a military officer who shoots her husband in self-defense ("but in the military justice system, a woman's voice may not get a fair hearing"). Also, a live "On Golden Pond." A Jim Henson-produced version of "Jack and the Beanstalk." An adaptation of J.C. Oates' Marilyn Monroe bio "Blonde." A Spielberg-produced story about a WWII rescue of Jews that "remained a secret for over 50 years." And take that, "Oprah Winfrey Presents" — next year there'll be adaptations of Oprah's Book Club selections "Jewel" and "Songs in Ordinary Time." And one last announcement (that a lot of people missed because they started filing out during the movie reel): Ellen DeGeneres' variety show has been picked up for midseason.
CBS upfront haiku
By Tom Heald
THE BETTE SHOW Like Seinfeld, but sung Can TV tame top temptress? Sure, you wanna Bette?
C.S.I. Action king Jerry Bruckheimer's take on "Quincy" Uh... Morgue and Fairchild?
THE DISTRICT "Coach-mmish" Craig fights crime (Sandiego's "Chief") gets to wonder where he is
THE FUGITIVE Remake sans Jones / Ford Huh? Someone's actually chasing Tim Daly?!?
THAT'S LIFE "Joisey" gal dumps beau, decides to better herself Wasn't this called "Pearl?"
WELCOME TO NEW YORK Baranski (sans Cyb) rains on naive forecaster Gaffigan's parade
YES, DEAR Two couples that don't listen to Doctor Laura parent anyway