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The Fox Upfront
Thursday, May 18, 2000
Beacon Theater

• Diminuitive "Malcolm in the Middle" star Frankie Muniz, he of the perpetual gee-willikers look, steps out on stage to welcome us to the upfront. Then he introduces the Bryan Setzer Orchestra, dressed in bright aqua-blue jackets and black shirts (Bryan has on matching aqua-blue pants). Bryan is out front; the rest of the band is seated in two rows on a movable platform, which is pushed forward as they blast out "Rock This Town." As they play, we're shown a clip reel of Fox shows new and old.
• After they finish, curtain comes down and Christopher Titus steps out. He says that ever since his show debuted two months ago people have been asking him why he didn't take his show to HBO instead. This inspires a riff on the virtues of commercial television. Oh sure, it was no fun having "standards and practices breathing down my neck like Janet Reno at a Cuban daycare." But it was worth all the trouble "knowing that (the show)'s selling product from the key demos" and makes viewers realize, "I now have a soft drink choice that fits my lifestyle." Commercials show us the wonders of the world, including newly formulated motor oils and "the Holy Grail — a 48-hour antiperspirant. You want numbers? Ninety nine percent of the people who watch TITUS buy stuff." And to think: if it weren't for commercials, "we wouldn't know when something was new and improved. When someone answers the phone whazzzzaaaaP?, you know why it's funny. I'm Christopher Titus." Yes, you are.
• Out comes the head of sales Jon Nesvig. "This has been a trying season for us and we just want to thank all of you publicly for supporting us as we work through our difficulties." Gets a big hand. Oh and by the way — Fox is still No. 1 in adults 18-34 and persons 12-34 (the WB demo). "MAD TV had another strong year," finishing not only No. 1 in teens but drawing a higher number than the prime averages of WB or UPN in teens.
• A promo reel is shown, touting Fox's interactive strengths. With an apparent absence of irony, the announcer boasts that "Fox is leading the way in forming communities on the Internet" for its shows. Well, sure — while shutting down still other communities for shows like "Buffy," "X-Files" and "The Simpsons." See my earlier story. The reel also promotes Fox's local Web sites. Here — see one for yourself! If you dare! Thanks to such measures, advertisers are promised that the network is "turning Fox viewers into Fox users ... Fox! Bridging the digital divide!" (Oh lordy, talk about draining a term of all meaning ...) The reel also says News Digital (Rupert's interactive wing) is being "differentiated" in broadband and wireless, then goes on to tout synergies. News Corp. now reaches 75% of the world one way or another. And when the co. wants maximum reach, it coordinates its promotional activity with "all 42 divisions of News Corp." — including The Sun! "The Simpsons" 10th anniversary bash, which you may have seen promo'd at the end of the season finale ep on Sunday, was cross-promoted by more than two dozen News Corp. arms. Now onto the next exciting venture: NASCAR, for which Fox recently won the rights from CBS and which "gets Fox back in the year-round sports business." We get a taste of the "Fox-style" grafx that will accentuate the network's auto-racing coverage (cars that are 1 lap down "glow" in a different color).
• Out comes Sandy Grushow to roll out the new fall lineup. Sandy's the man who took Twentieth, Fox's syndication/production arm, from 8th to 1st in programs supplied to network TV. "It hasn't been lost on anyone" that Fox had a crummy start and "hit some rough patches in the fall." Which then got the network into the vicious cyclee of "overreliance on a certain genre of programming, in Fox's case shockumentaries." But y'know, Fox still wins 5 out of 7 nights in A18-34 and 2 of 7 nights in A18-49. Thank you "Malcolm" and "Titus." Now the goal is to "develop new scripted series programming." But to do that, "Fox will not try to launch new programming on all seven nights," padding its Thursday lineup with movies until midseason. Throwing a bunch of shows up against the wall in a 2-week period and seeing what sticks "isn't strategy — it's stupidity."
• But Sandy, what about "Millionaire"? "We can't worry about 'Millionaire' and we won't worry about 'Millionaire' ... There's still plenty of audience to go around ... And as 'Millionaire' grows steadily older (which it is) ... if any network is capable of exploiting 'Millionaire's' Achilles heel, it's Fox." The World Series will draw quite a crowd in October. We see a clip reel of bezbol with PBP from Chip Caray.
• MONDAY, as Grushow tells us at least three times during the upfront, is "television's most prestigious night." This is a code word for "David E. Kelley," who will produce both hours of Fox prime this fall on Mondays. We see a majestic-looking clip reel — including "L.A. Law" and "Picket Fences" clips from the film masters; very high polish. And now, introducing Kelley's latest, "Boston Public," an "ensemble drama with comedic elements," which will be run and "likely" have most of its episodes written by Kelley. By the way, we don't have a pilot, but here's David E. Kelley to tell you about it. Kelley comes out in a black suit with a white open-collar shirt, looking a little hangdog (circles in eyes, pallid skin tone). He describes his conversation with Grushow regarding "Boston Public" in which SG told him just to go out and tell the advertisers that "it's the best thing you have ever done." So he does, repeating the phrase, and adding, "you can believe me — the man who brought you 'Snoops.'"
• Out comes the cast of "Boston Public": Fyvush Finkel ("because every show needs a sex symbol"), Chi McBride, Tom McCarthy, Rasheeda Jones, Nicky Katt, Tony Heald (last seen on "The Practice"), Sharon Leel (who bears a striking resemblance to Josephine Baker), an actor I don't recognize and Joey Slotnick, who wasn't able to make it. Nine in all, all of them playing members of the faculty of a suburban prep school outside Boston.
• "Ally McBeal" will be introducing new characters in the fall. Out come two members of the ensemble: Jane Krakowski (who's on Letterman that night) and Lisa Nicole Carson, who has somehow squeezed herself and her enormous breasts into a Daisy Mae dress that is red with big fat polka dots. It looks like she is balancing two mounds of Jell-O on her chest. The effect is hilarious. No fool she, Lisa shakes her booby for the audience and gets big laughs. After she departs, Sandy does a Letterman, saying "G'night!" and pretending to walk off stage.
• TUESDAY. They're moving the Monday 8 to 9 block to Tuesdays. "70's Show" brings out 8 cast members to take a bow. Then we see a "Titus" clip reel (Stacy Keach: "Doctor put me on a light diet — Menthol Lights and Miller Lite!"). Four cast members take a bow, sans Keach.
• That's followed by "Dark Angel." We see a very impressive clip reel starring the very striking Jessica Alba. There's a "Pretender" element to it — Jessica has escaped a "covert genetics lab" in the Pacific Northwest where she and other prodigies were not only given big brains but superhuman abilities. And a bar code on the back of their necks. She and others stage a wintry jailbreak. It appears she was the only one who got out. Next shot is of her on a rusted-out, graffiti-strewn Space Needle. Clearly this is post-apocalyptic seattle, clotted with people living in squalor, monitored by police everywhere. Jessica is trying to learn about her past while helping people in the present. But "Ms. Pretender" has much higher prod. values, or at least the pilot does. We see her swinging from building to building on a giant cord, and getting close to Michael, her romantic interest, while dodging the authorities through spectacular escapes.
• WEDNESDAY. "Don't Ask" introduces "a new Fox family for a new millennium." John Goodman and Anthony LaPaglia are old buds. Both are recently divorced. Anthony lost the house but got the kids. So he'd like to move into John's house with his kids. Just one thing John would like Anthony to know first: He's gay. (No you're not! Yes I am. Not! Am. Etc.) And LaPaglia is a womanizer, too. In other words, it's "Oh Grow Up" all over again — except this time Alan Ball isn't writing it. LaPaglia, hard to say how he'll do. But Goodman is his usual cuddly-bear self; he's great. "We have no illusion about how tough a task" it will be challenging "Millionaire" in this time period. And "Bette" will likely finish second in households. But Fox chases demos anyway, and in that regard it should do fine. John and three of the kid actors take a bow.
• "Schimmel." Worst preview I saw. As I've already written elsewhere: Schimmel can be searingly funny _ but only, it seems, when he's allowed to talk dirty. The 3-minute preview reel for ``Schimmel,'' promoted as a ``family show, Fox style,'' was embarrassingly bad. One unfunny joke followed another. The physical humor consisted of Schimmel getting hit in the groin. We also learned why Schimmel is so nonexpressive on stage: He can't act. Schimmel then (came out and) told a few jokes — but once again, he ``worked clean,'' and his punchlines fizzled. Talk about a guy who needs to be on HBO. I take no pleasure in saying this; Schimmel genuinely cracks me up — when he's working blue. But to compare him to Homer Simpson (as Grushow did) is uncalled for, to say the least, when the best the show's writers can come up with is a Deuce Bigelow joke.
• "The Street" follows at 9. Young men trade in risky high-tech stocks and launch killer IPO's on this series. One of our stars wakes up early, spurns his horny girlfriend with the excuse, "The markets are always open someplace." We see the partners of Wall Street investment firm Balmont Stevens and their conspicuous consumption (big yacht). We see Giancarlo Esposito — isn't he supposed to be on "The District" on CBS? — as the head of the firm (or at least its trading div). We see Adam Goldberg getting picked up by a delicious blonde who's got a thing for S&M. We see the trading room go wild as an IPO soars to several times its open. We see, finally, someone of color. Of course she's a secretary, but she's ambitious and may be going places inside the firm. We see a female executive, Harvard MBA, tell her boyfriend she's the analytical type and until her analysis is complete, she can't commit. "So I'm like some company you're supposed to acquire?!" fumes the boytoy, who later dumps her.
• On THURSDAY, Fox will hold back the new shows until January, filling the night with movies instead. "Starship Troopers," the "X-Files" movie, "Something about Mary," and "Austin Powers," on Thanksgiving following football, are among the titles.
• Then in midseason: "The Lone Gunmen," featuring the three conspiracy theory-mongering techno-geeks in "big stories (with) big stunts and a lot of humor." They publish their own newspaper — sort of an I.F. Stone's Weekly for the Richard Belzers of the world — while chasing and being chased by mysterious forces. Please don't tell me this show is supposed to appeal to female viewers. Agh! Sandy says the show will serve males 25-54 "... and adult women."
• Then out comes Michael Crichton, that tall drink of water, to tout his untitled January project, which will be about something "we're not ready to talk about yet" (Grushow). We see a clip reel of earlier Crichton epic works ("ER," "Jurassic Park," etc.). Crichton makes a few forgettable remarks and departs.
• FRIDAY. Fox is going to try to make "X-Files"-like success strike again on this night, despite recent failures, with "Fearsum." From the creators of "The Blair Witch Project," it's about a young man whose brother supposedly killed himself two years ago, but now he's getting messages from him. He's kept his dead bro's Web site going (www.freakylinks.com — it really works) and walks around with a video camera capturing stuff for the site. Suddenly he's obsessed with "Croatoan," which is an island (he learns) 10 miles east of "the settlement." There's also a cigarette smoking mystery man, a transversing of time and space, a female lead and a black lead. "WIthout question this is one of our buzz shows of the fall," says Grushow. I believe "Harsh Realm" was a buzz show last fall.
• "Night Visions" is an anthology series, two half-hour stories told per week, and yes, it's Serlingesque. "Twilight Zone" is invoked. The mystery we see a preview of, "The Passenger List," is about an airplane crash-site inspector who discovers an extra body on board a flight. He keeps seeing the crash in his mind. Things around him develop cracks, much like the fuselage of the plane he believes broke up in mid-air. Is he cracking up? Hard to know anything for sure in this overly obfuscatory highlight. But clearly they've spent some moolah on this. Ths SFX of the flight cracking up are tremendous. Grushow points out that Fridays were the night when people discovered "The X-Files," too.
• SATURDAY. John Walsh comes out, gives us the thumbs-up sign and throws us a kiss.
• SUNDAY. A "Simpsons" reel plays while stagehands set up two chairs and reading stands. Reel ends, lights up and there's Nancy Cartwright (Bart) and Yeardley Smith (Lisa) reading lines in their famous voices. An appreciative crowd applauds.
• "Malcolm in the Middle." Grushow admits they were tempted to move this comedy — the No. 1 teen show on TV — off its 8:30 position. But they decided against it. Shows a preview of Sunday's season finale, where Bea Arthur (as the babysitter) and Dewey tango to the tune of Abba's "Fernando." The whole cast comes out for a curtain call, including the asthmatic schoolmate kid. As they walk off, Frankie keeps waving at the crowd just long enough to fall behind the train of people. He comically scurries to catch up; kid's a ham.
• For "The X-Files," Chris Carter will start adding new characters next year. He'd better! Mulder vanished in Sunday's season finale ep. He'll "come and go" during next season (David Duchovny signed for only 11 episodes), and Scully will be assigned a new partner. When Duchovny and Gillian Anderson come out to take a bow, Sandy goes over and personally greets them — the only stars to merit this gesture all afternoon.
• At this point, my fellow TV critics and others start for the exits. Too bad for them! They missed the best preview reel of the whole upfront, for midseason's "The Tick." A live-action version of the Comedy Central/USA cartoon, it stars Patrick Warburton ("Seinfeld's" Puddy) as a superhero outfitted in a candy-blue full-body uniform with antenna that are constantly expanding or retrracting to match his mood. There's a lot of the 1960's "Batman" series here — including Puddy's understated tone that sounds straight out of the Adam West school. He's joined by other superheroes, including a swashbuckling Zorro type, a human fly in an all-white outfit (push a button, get wings) and a female crime-fighter, Captain Liberty (with gold tiara and a crimson-and-gold getup). Hard to describe why it works so well. Tick descends on a bus station, where thirsty travelers can't get the soda machine to work. There's piles of physical humor, hilarious writing and absurd situations. The uniforms inject a certain incongruity as the heroes interact with other humans — are they just kidding everyone or do they really have superpowers? Anyway, I can't wait. And I wasn't a big fan of the "Tick" cartoon.
• The boys from Malcolm come back out to wrap things up. Frankie introduces the Setzer Orchestra band, who bang out "Jump Jivin'" as four couples come out and swing-dance around the stage.

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Fox upfront haiku
By Tom Heald

BOSTON PUBLIC Teachers lounge, but with all the notes being passed who's finking on Fyvush?

DARK ANGEL An artificial intelligence who's sexy >From James Cameron

DON'T ASK College buds re-room A Goodman is hard to find but John is looking

FEARSUM Blair Witch creators (Remember when saying that might've sounded good ?)

THE LONE GUNMEN X file's Tall blond geek, bearded dork, and the other guy fight off the Friends

NIGHT VISIONS Dark Tales from Creepy Thrilling Outer Zone which just might give you Goosebumps

THE UNTITLED MICHAEL CRICHTON PROJECT Only thing we can tell about this show is... it won't star Bette Midler

SCHIMMEL The **** ****-er ****s the censors in a **** new **** ****ing s***com

THE STREET Day traders, trade dates Babes who stalk dips, and stock tips Wall Street sojourners