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The NBC Upfront
Monday, May 15, 2000
Metropolitan Opera House
|||||At a couple of minutes after 1 p.m., the chandeliers that form a semi-circle around the balconies of the Met are raised dramatically to the top of the ceiling, indicating that it's showtime. A pretaped parody of the Budweiser "Whazzzaaaap?" ads is shown, featuring clips of various NBC stars picking up and/or talking the telephone, with new voices dubbed in like an old Hong Kong action flick. Everyone from David Spade to Sean Hayes to Melina Kanakaredas (with dubbed male voice) to newsman Tom Brokaw (whose clip looks like it was shot esp. for this video) are featured. At the end, a faux Budweiser logo with "NBC Upfront" substituted and, of course, the word "TRUE." Eh. The stage lights go on to reveal a few traditional opera props — the Italian building facade, the fountain, the vendor's pushcart — and then "Will & Grace's" Eric McCormick emerges from behind the facade in a tux, joined by Debra Messing at stage R, who has on a long hoop-styled dress, lime green. They enter singing. They, joined soon by Megan Mullaly and Sean Hayes, perform a medley of operetta tunes with new lyrics. (This couplet, set to a Gilbert and Sullivan tune, I think from "Pirates of Penzance," got a big laugh: "And 'Just Shoot Me' has David Spade who always thinks of getting laid/And all our 'Friends' are still our 'Friends' because of what they're getting paid.") Messing and Mullaly both hit their high notes very respectably; Hayes and McCormick are talented dancers. It's easy to see why this foursome was chosen. Extended applause and hurrahs for them. A guy in a Viking (i.e., with horns) helmet comes out and welcomes us to the presentation. Scott Sassa walks out and asks the foursome to come out and do an encore. Afterward, he presents them with red roses. Turning to the topic of "Friends," Sassa thanks "the six people without whom this deal would not be possible — ladies and gentlemen, the 'Friends' legal team!" As the "SNL" band belts out a few bars of the theme from "Friends," a procession of men and women in suits walk across stage and wave. One does end-over-end cartwheels. "Who says money can't buy friends?" sez Sassa. Then the big pitch begins: NBC is your home for Quality Shows. "This isn't an idea we came up with at a corporate retreat last week .... It's in the DNA of NBC." We see a clip reel of highlights from "West Wing," "Friends," "Frasier," "West Wing" again, "ER," etc. After, Sassa notes, "We should note that we also had four of the worst shows on television" — puts up page from Electronic Media with the 10 worst shows in EM's TV crix' poll, topped by "The Mike O'Malley Show." (The first of several jokes today at O'Malley's expense.) "But thankfully, none of these shows is coming back." Two hands clap. "Thank you." Charts and graphs aren't as voluminous as last year, but Sassa pulls out this interesting one titled "Success Is Relative": 6.4 million viewers watched the season finals of "The Sopranos" on HBO, making it a huge telecast. By comparison, 8.5 million watched "Falcone," on average; it was not a hit. And 9.4 million watched "Mike O'Malley." Sassa mentions — for the obvious benefit of the hundreds of affiliate execs in attendance — that it is important to deliver a big audience to late local news. Late local news comprises 12.5 percent of station's total news time, but produces 45 percent of a station's revenues. Sweep to date, NBC > ABC by 35 percent in late local news lead-in. NBC reaches more affluent homes than any other network. It reaches more dot-com households. Sassa posts a quote from Andy Grove saying "all companies will be Internet companies" in five years. "I still remember in 1993 a meeting at Microsoft..." where Sassa was told that video-on-demand would allow viewers to watch "The Brady Bunch" whenever they wanted. "What I didn't get ... was how does my daughter know what 'The Brady Bunch' is? Network television has remained relevant and will continue to be relevant in the future ... only TV has the power to popularize." NBC's cable channels CNBC and MSNBC > CNN and Headline News combined in adults 25-54 dayside. (And for you numbers freaks, after the upfront, while eavesdropping a conversation between other journalists and NBC chief Bob Wright, I heard Wright say that 25 percent of all cable advertising revenue during the daytime hours is sold by one channel, CNBC.) Garth Ancier is introduced. He introduces a tape by Conan O'Brien and Triumph (interestingly, O'Brien's producer Jeff Ross had told me a few days ago that Triumph would not be performing this year because "we didn't want to push our luck" by trying to entertain the upfront crowd three years in a row). COB: "We just wanted to say how proud we are to be part of the NBC family." Tri: "Oh yes, NBC is a great great network — for me to poop on!" COB: "Please, Triumph, c'mon, NBC in all fairness had a heck of a year." Tri: "Right, right. And the Taco Bell dog makes solid poops!" COB: "But still, Triumph, NBC owns Thursday nights." Tri: "Oh, yeah. They put 'Stark Raving Mad' on before 'ER.' That's like saying to people, 'We've got some nice Alpo Supreme for you, but first you've got to drink out of this toilet!'" Triumph then calls out three excerpts from last year's upfront showing foolish predictions by Sassa and Ancier. There's a tape glitch, though, in the middle one, the one where Sassa is telling the audience he expects no problems with Tuesday or Thursday nights — this, three months before anyone has heard of "Millionaire." Afterward, Triumph laughs himself silly and is seen clutching a small green oxygen mask to his face. A sheepish Conan signs off. Sassa: "I'm changing my deposition in that Pets.com case." Time to walk and talk through the week. Once again NBC's promo staff has come up with bumpers for each day. But only Monday's is any good. To the tune of "Shaft," singers: "Who is the man who will tell us what's on Monday? GARTH!" We learn that "Daddio" outrates all CBS, ABC and Fox comedies in adults ages 18-49 with kids. (Do advertisers buy that demographic from broadcast networks? Just asking.) We see a clip reel promoting "Daddio." Throughout the presentation, the captioning screens mounted on all the seat backs at the Met flash little promotional messages tied to the current subject. Samples: "MARY LOU RETTON SAT IN THAT VERY SEAT ONCE!" (during Olympics preview), "ONE YEAR BEFORE LANDING THE ROLE OF WILL, ERIC MCCORMICK STARRED IN THE PILOT EPISODE OF 'JENNY.'" "NBC WILL PRESENT 'TITANIC' IN HDTV." "Deadline" is "Dick Wolf's idea of 'Columbo.'" We see a preview with Oliver Platt as a Pulitzer-winning columnist named Wallace Benton for a New York tabloid called the Ledger but clearly patterned on the Post (I assume scenes were filmed there). One scene shows him in the suite of the Aussie-accented owner. We only see the owner, mostly obscured behind a wall, but plainly he's on the toilet reading the Ledger. He tells Benton he hates his column. We also see Platt with his editor (Bebe Neuwirth) and we see him scoping out a street corner with students in his investigative journalism class (perhaps modeled on Northwestern prof David Protess). In another scene, he spazzes out when a simple glitch halts his computer for a moment. Platt wears a bowtie. No clue whether he actually solves crimes. For Tuesday, the bumper features the Amazon.com Holiday Singers performing one of their subtitled tunes ("There's a lot of potatoes in Idaho"). Sample lyric: "From the old fart to the teen/The funniest shows you've ever seen/On NBC Tuesday night." A few titters. Michael Richards Show introduced. Richards is in the audience. He comes out, plate of food in hand, and bumbles his way onto the stage with a steadicam capturing his every comic move. Once there he's confronted by a knee-high mike stand ("Now I know how basketball players feel") and, after unsuccessfully trying to raise it, says, "Check out this video of mine of the show. I think you'll dig it." And that's it for Michael. The preview is heavy on physical comedy, especially involving Michael's cars, which he gets off a disreputable salvage lot. One is a Lexus that doesn't have reverse gear; we see him attempting U-turns with it on narrow roads. Another is a sedan with no steering wheel; Vic steers it with a pipe wrench affixed to the steering column. Pretty funny. He plays Vic Nardoza (818/555-BUMP, sez the business card), a clumsy newbie detective who lives at a rundown motel with a pool. One of his first cases is to investigate the pool's high Ph level. The owner says to Vic he suspects the fat kid who sits in the pool all day drinking soda. THere's another scene involving Vic and his associate scoping out a couple on the beach. Problem is that Vic is on an enormous cliff overlooking the beach. With the aide down in the surf, Vic can't be heard. The clip gets lots of laughs and extended applause afterward. But dialogue is the wildcard on this show; without it, show dies, Kramer or no Kramer. A much cooler reception for the next preview, "Tucker," a show about a 15-year-old who goes to live with his aunt (Katey Sagal) and weird cousin. He gets a crush on the blond-haired neighbor girl (who returns his interest). When the kid accidentally walks in on his aunt changing clothes in the bathroom, the aunt spreads the word everywhere and he becomes the "neighborhood pervert." Ha ha. Looks to be the "Freaks and Geeks" of the 2000-01 season. At best. Garth whips out an informative chart showing "Millionaire's" median viewer age rose progressively by month from its August launch: 42.5 years, then 44.3, 46.7, 47.8, 48.9 and in February, 50.9 years. (Of course, the audience rejuvenated in May with "Celebrity Millionaire.") The point was to stress that "Frasier," moving to Tuesday nights in the fall, beat "Millionaire" by 82% in the adults 18-49 last week and has performed admirably in demos v. Regis all year. Now to "DAG," featuring David Alan Grier as a Leslie Nielsen-styled Secret Service agent who finds himself assigned to protect the First Lady (Delta Burke). Funniest part of the clip shows the media feeding frenzy after an attempt is made on the president's life; DAG leaps away from the president, in a clip played over and over and featured on magazine covers (and, inevitably, a fake Jay Leno monologue joke). But from that point on the preview goes cold. Delta hardly stands out. This preview has a laugh track. Very eh. Audience mild about it. Wednesday. A taped symphonic swell plays as Jesse L. Martin, in shades, steps on stage (to warm applause), says, "Wednesday," and then leaves to another swell. "Titans" is the latest prime-time soap featuring all-white characters in an ultra-ritzy Beverly Hills backdrop (was it shot on location at the Aaron Spelling estate?). The twist here is that the patriarch's second wife (Yasmine Bleeth) once had a weeklong tryst with his son! Voice-over: "The passion and the fashion as you'd only expect from Aaron Spelling." Garth: "It's the kind of total guilty pleasure fans of the genre will love." Me: For this they cancelled "Dateline Wednesday"? Now to "The West Wing." At its very mention the crowd signals its approval. The clip reel is buttressed by "testimonials" from "viewers," similar to what NBC did at last year's upfront with "Providence." (Sample quote: "It is the best that television is capable of.") Then out comes the "West Wing" cast — to a standing ovation from the affiliates. Martin Sheen says that they brought along some letters from viewers of the show, and instructs cast members to read some. They're all variations on, "Dear Sir: I love 'The West Wing.' I tell all my friends to buy the products advertised on the show." (Similar again to last year's pretaped bit with Kathy Griffin.) "Law & Order" also gets applause. Sassa then recaps Wednesday, and he too refers to "Titans" as a "guilty pleasure." Now, a clip reel promoting the Sydney Olympics triplecast on NBC, CNBC and MSNBC. Bob Costas narrates some of the storylines we can expect this summer, leading off with that creepy gymnastics coach who got Kerri Strug to plant on her injured leg. Michael Johnson is featured, too. (Maurice Greene is not so much as mentioned.) Aussies v. Americans in swimming. We see a promo that will run promoting Olympics coverage: Marion Jones and shot-putter CJ Hunter in a supermarket; seemed derivative of Jones' ad for Nike. Thursday. Bumper shows doctored video of Alan Greenspan at the podium (altered to read "NBC Upfront"), with Clutch Cargo lips declaring that "NBC Thursdays remains a sound investment." "Friends" clip reel teases Thursday's cliff-hanger episode (where Monica decides to whom she'll be engaged). Now to the hammock shows. Garth: "To be honest, we've had mixed success ... but I believe we have a breakout" in "Steven Weber" (aka "Cursed"). Well, maybe not: the preview for "Weber" basically gives away the whole pilot episode, and it's not impressive. It's also got a lot of John O'Hurley ("Seinfeld's" J. Peterman) in it, despite the fact he's not part of the highly-touted ensemble cast that includes Chris Elliott and Wendell Pierce. Weber is a hotshot at the office until one night he goes out on a blind date with a woman who can't shut up the whole evening, and when he tells her off, she goes home and conjures up a spell that hexes him. O'Hurley plays his boss, at least for the pilot. (Can you imagine the meeting where that came up? "Who will play the boss?" "Hey, how about J. Peterman?") There's also a clown involved, played by the guy who was George Vogelman on "The Practice." The joke here is he denies he's a clown despite having bright frizzy orange hair, a coat pocket full of hankies and something on him that honks. Not much of a joke. Friday. Cursory overview of the unchanged lineup. "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit" is NBC's first Friday night win at 10 p.m. since "Miami Vice." NBC expects to win "every quarter hour" on Fridays this season. (Afterward, at the reception, executive producer Dick Wolf tells me and fellow critic Rob Owen that "SVU" signed a tall blonde to play a new prosecutor full-time. Meaning that Angie Harmon, who made three crossover appearances for the D.A.'s office this season, won't make any next season.) Mid-season shows overviewed. You can read about it in NBC's press release. Will Farrell and Ana Gasteyer come out, done up as their lounge-singing couple Bobby and Margie, to do a musical recap of NBC's fall lineup. "We'd like to thank the president of NBC, Sammy Sosa ... He reminds me of a classier Jackie Chan." Margie praises "Dateline" and Brokaw: "When it comes to news, NBC really stands for No Bull Crap." Their cheesy medley includes licks from "American Woman," "Brick House" ("We love The West ... Wing"), "Fame" ("Spade, Spade"), and "I'm Coming Up" ("They're coming out/It's Will & Grace's show/They want the world to know"). As they leave, a suit in the row in front of me leans over to the other and says, "God help us." Saturday. Sassa announces that NBC will give away $100,000 every week on NBC.com during its movie presentations. And there will be a live host every week. A preview reel features several unlikely candidates applying for the live host gig, including ex-NBC "star" Mike O'Malley ("If you guys are looking for, you know, a 7-point dropoff — that's what I bring to the table"). Kato Kaelin graces the closing shot. XFL. The preview is shot in a driving rainstorm, with a few close-ups of players writhing in the mud. Voice-over: "This is where football is played for the love of the game. No indoor fields. No prima donnas. No wimps ... And halftime is a break — not a vacation. This is football the way it was meant to be played." (I'll bet outdoor fields are cheaper to rent!) Sunday. "Ed" joins "ER" as the second two-letter show on NBC schedule. The preview of this show, which readers won't be surprised to learn I'm pulling for, makes it seem bland and uninspired. Ed, played by Tom Cavanagh (who strikes me as a tall Jon Stewart), is fired from his NYC law firm and comes home to find his wife (Janeane Garofalo) cheating on him. So back he goes to his hometown of Stuckeyville, where he falls for the high-school queen who ignored him in high school. She's a single mom now, with an infant. He buys the bowling alley and, to drum up business, offers free legal advice to customers. Romance kindles between Ed and the old crush. Garth: "There really isn't anything like this series." Miniseries: one on the life of Natalie Cole, another adapting Tom Wolfe's "A Man in Full." Hallmark's "The Monkey King" and yet another biblical adaptation, "In the Beginning..." Also a mini based on Michael Lewis' account of high-tech millionaires, "The New New Thing." Garth tosses off some closing remarks, then the stars of NBC shows are announced, show by show, and come on stage for a curtain call, as the band plays "These Are the Good Times." G'night!